Resilience

(from NYT- Sarah Williamson)


I recently came across an article in the New York Times about building resilience and it immediately made me think about all of my clients.  Without a doubt, it's the clients who exhibit qualities of resilience who do better both during and after their legal issue.

So, can we all learn to be more resilient, or must we be born that way?  The article, How to Build Resilience in Midlife, by Tara Parker-Pope, says we can learn by practice and choice.  First, practice optimism.  Optimism does not ignore the difficult facts you are facing, but it means that you know that you will not be defeated by them.

Second, "rewrite your story," otherwise known as re-framing.  What are you telling yourself about your situation?  Is this an opportunity for growth or a way to try something new?

Third, "don't personalize it."  This may be the hardest to do in a divorce, but even if your actions contributed to the situation, you are never the sole reason for the situation.  It often feels as though the circumstances are going to last forever, that nothing will change and it is all your fault (or the other persons!), but refocusing on what could happen next and how you can make that happen.

Fourth, think about how you have overcome difficult situations in the past.  By remembering how you have worked through and succeeded with previous challenges help you realize that you have the ability to overcome what you face now .

Fifth, reach out and support others.  When you put effort into helping other people, you step outside yourself and enhance your own strength.  Resilience includes taking responsibility for your life, and "creating a life that you consider meaningful and purposeful."  Your outward focus with purpose for others helps you take charge of where you are going.

Sixth, take stress breaks.  This suggestion was a surprise for me, but after thinking about it, it makes sense.  To become more resilient from major stresses, you can train yourself by taking planned stress breaks during manageable stress period to practice your resilience muscle.  After all, a certain amount of stress is a good thing.  Our bodies and minds need stress to grow and be strong.  Just like you do with exercise and strength training, you include periods of rest into your workout routine.

Lastly, get out of your comfort zone.  Stress experiences do not have to be negative.  By challenging yourself to do something difficult or different, you build your resistance.